Breathe, ponder, and let go.

I think I was born making plans. Literally. While most newborns probably thought, “Eh, this womb thing is getting kind of cramped, I guess I’ll peace out of the vagina today,” I’m sure I had a well-crafted itinerary for my exit (whether or not to slide out head first, how much force to use on the cervix, the exact date, and of course the perfectly pitched birthday cry). Hell, even my Barbies had plans. My Barbies weren’t frolicking on beaches in Malibu or rocking their glitter-streaked hair on stage, my Barbies had goals. My dolls were usually in college getting a degree in something with plans to go to law school. That hot pink dream house wasn’t going to pay for itself after all.

For the past 22 years, I’ve been mimicking my Barbies by constantly setting goals and keeping myself focused. I’ve known what I want and I’ve kept my eye on the prize. Therefore, you can imagine the anxiety I must obviously be feeling now that I find myself for the first time in my life without a concrete plan. I have no specific life map I’m following, no x marking a spot. But au contraire my faithful reader. I’ve never been happier.

If you would have asked me a year ago what I wanted to be when I grow up, I would have answered, “well if I can’t be Blanket Jackson’s nanny then I suppose a career in politics will do.” For the past four years I have been anxiously working towards fulfilling my political ambitions. I’ve been fueled by a desire to deal with the issues that I am the most passionate about. Health care reform gets me aroused, gun control trips my trigger, and gay marriage gets me giddy. While these matters and many others still get me fired up, I seem to have fallen out of love with the political part and the idea of this being my career.

I think it’s the current political environment that has caused the breakup between politics and me. I fully believe in the idea of having a two party system and that foundation seems to be fizzling. No matter how strongly I feel that I’m right and no matter how much I think I know I always want to hear an opposing idea. These are how the best solutions are made. Unfortunately that’s not what is happening in Washington these days. One party is trying to carry out its agenda but seems to be distracted by oily corporate money and pushy special interests. The other party…well…that party has officially checked into a special white room with padded walls. This party has stopped advocating for its positions and has simply started being against everything. The political arena has changed from a civilized two-party debate to a bloody battle royal between teabaggers and tree-huggers, birthers and border control, O’Reilly and Olbermann. Participants fight until they are the last one standing and rely on their emotions before the facts. So as enticing as that fracas sounds, I really don’t want to be a part of it anymore.

So what now? What should I be when I grow up? Considering I’m officially starting the “grown up” stage of my life, I should probably get on it. But not too quickly. For so long I was so hardcore with my aspirations that I lost the ability to just sit and do nothing or stray off course for a little bit. If I wanted to read a book I only let myself read non-fiction and political books because in my mind, doing anything but acquiring more information that would accelerate my career plans was simply a waste of time. I was a knowledge fiend, a learn-oholic and it eventually stopped being fun. So this time I think I need to take time to just breathe, ponder, and let go.

The good news is I’m in New York City, which makes the whole letting go part much easier. I’m not good at sitting still so frolicking around this concrete jungle constantly keeps both my legs and brainwaves in motion. For instance, the other day I walked to Central Park to sit and read a book and before I knew it, I had been there for two hours. The old me would have looked at that situation and said, “Get off the ground you hippie loser.” The new me thought, “A cupcake would really make this situation even more ideal.”

Whatever I’m meant to do, it will come to me. I’m confident in that. I’m told most people change their career objectives multiple times throughout life, which I suppose is a comforting thought. I mean, look at my beloved Barbie. She has been a teacher, a doctor, a singer, a lifeguard, an ice skater, a cowgirl, and even a McDonald’s cashier. Talk about a renaissance woman. So maybe I’ll imitate this severe career-ADD, maybe I won’t. However, just like Barbie, whatever career I stick with I will have the perfect outfit and accessories to match it.